It finally happened. Imagine, if you will, you are driving down the road just enjoying the scenery when you hear it… THE QUESTION. You know the one. The one you’ve been dreading - the one about IT. Those three little letters that change everything. S. E. X.
Other than potty-training, it may be one of the most dreaded parts of parenting. It is uncomfortable for everyone and until now, has been uncharted territory. You know that the minute you take the first step into this arena, you cannot turn back. Once it's said, it cannot be unsaid. So, what do you do?
Let’s get real. Two moms from two different parts of the country have recently experienced this moment of truth.
Mom 1: While driving, seemingly minding her own business thinking about what she was going to do for meal prep that week, from the back seat, her five-and-a-half-year-old asks, “Mama, where do babies come from? How do they grow and why? And, how do they come out?”
Mom 2: Coming home from an evening appointment, her 10-year-old son had recently had the ‘puberty talk’ with his dad and had some follow-up questions, “Mom, I know what happens when a boy goes through puberty but what happens when a girl does? I mean, I know they get (shifty eyes) boobs but what else?”
For both moms, the immediate thoughts of “what do I say?” and “how much detail do I really need to go into?” flooded their minds.
Mom 1 handled it like a champ – “My son is five-and-a-half and very curious. When my sister was pregnant with my niece, we were on the phone - out of nowhere, he asked me how she got in there. I just told him that men have sperm and women have eggs and that when the egg and sperm meet, they make an embryo which hopefully grows into a baby. He was satisfied. I left it at that and thought to myself: Wow! Bravo mama! Ten months later…. “Mama, but how do they grow? And how do they get out? And what IS sperm? What does it look like? How does it meet the egg? Do you drink it? Do eggs have to hatch?” I tackled each question as he asked. I was honest, but age appropriate. At under six, he understood simple statements of fact. And, when his barrage of questions was over, I praised his curiosity and reminded him that he can ask me anything, anytime. I told him I’d always tell him the truth and that he can ask Daddy or me more questions when he has them.”
Mom 2 ran with the honest and detailed approach – “I told my son exactly what he wanted to know. I explained how women have a period and what that means for her body. He said, “So they just sit there and bleed all day? How do they keep from making a mess?” That’s when we talked about pads and tampons. His face – I’ll never forget the look on his face – he wasn’t done there. “So… I know you can’t have a baby without, you know, having sex, but is there another reason you might have sex? Like, does it feel good?” OMG you guys. He just took it to THAT level. I was already that far into the conversation and had always told myself I wouldn’t sugarcoat or withhold information from my kids if they asked… and if he’s asking me now and I don’t answer, what can he potentially learn from his peers at school? And so, I went on to answer… starting with, “When you’re with a person that you love and trust, you’ll know when you’re ready to take your physical relationship to the next level. Yes, sex does feel good, and in many ways, starting with your heart and your mind.” I shared the details about STD’s and using proper protection when you’re intimate with someone and wrapped up with, “of course, if you have more questions about this, you can always ask your dad or I… but everything we talked about tonight is a private conversation that you shouldn’t share with your brother or sister or your friends at school. This is one of those conversations that need to be had with parents only.” He agreed, said thank you and told me he was glad he can come to me with anything he’s wondering. Mom win. “
Are you prepared to answer?Kids will all have different questions and concerns about sex at different ages. As your child gets older, the things you talk about will change. Remember to talk early and often. You don’t have to fit everything into one conversation but also don’t want to wait too long to start. Most importantly, listen carefully. Even if you don’t agree with your child’s opinion or don’t quite understand why they’re asking certain thing, listening is the key to mapping your way through this topic.
Here are some thoughts on how to tackle “THE TALK” for kids at any age:
- Have an honest discussion with your partner: whether you are co-parenting, married, or divorced, you need to be on the same page.
- Who’s having the talk?
- Can you agree on how much information to give and how detailed it needs to be?
- How will you approach it? Where? When?
- Do you answer the questions as soon as they’re asked or table for a later time so you can be prepared?
- Is there a ‘right age’ to have the talk or do you want until the kids ask?
- Use the correct anatomical names for body parts. This is important for many reasons, the most important of which is SAFETY.
- Remember that it’s okay to feel embarrassed or uncomfortable. Be honest with your child about how you are feeling. Remember, when you are honest with your child, your child is more likely to be honest with you.
- Be honest and factual. Studies show that if you answer the question asked with simple, easy, honest statements, kids will be able to better process the details given.
- Be prepared for more questions – A LOT MORE QUESTIONS. They may not happen immediately, but they will happen. Take the first step and follow-up a couple of days later. Ask if they had any additional questions since you talked. This move will not only show your child that they can keep the conversation open but also that you’re invested and want to be sure they have all of the information they need.
- Talk in the car or the kitchen. It can sometimes be easier to talk about sex if you are doing something else at the same time. Try asking a question when you are driving or cooking dinner. You can still show your child that you are listening by nodding your head or repeating what your child says to you.
- Know that they will hear it somewhere - and it may as well (and should) be from you. You know your child, your beliefs, how they’re likely to react, etc. It’s your responsibility to teach them in a way that works for your family.
- Just like with Santa or the tooth fairy, remind your kids that these are not conversations to share with the outside world. That you can always have these discussions at home or as a family, but not everyone’s family is ready to talk about this stuff and to be respectful of their choices.
- Don’t forget about consent. If you’re talking with your child about puberty, physical relationships and sex, you need to be talking about consent and what it means. This conversation should include personal space, inappropriate touching or comments, what ‘no means no’ means and what to do/who to go to if something were to happen.
Haven’t had the puberty talk yet? A great and easy way to answer may be, “Puberty is when your body starts to develop and change into an adult body.” Puberty is different for each child. For girls, puberty usually starts between ages 9 and 13. Get more information about puberty to share with your daughter. For boys, it usually begins between ages 10 and 15. Get more information about puberty to share with your son.
Regardless of the circumstance, comfort level or location, having this conversation with your children is truly special. Embrace the opportunity, use it to bond and really be there for your kids. It’s moments like this that they’ll remember for their entire life.
